we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
Its like the long john silvers of colleges, I wouldnt even go there to use the bathroom
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
He was in Alberta for less than a week and is already banned from 6 bars. I fear for his general well-being over there.
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
Randomize
