I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
He looks like the kind of guy that still collects pokemon cards
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
downstairs . braiding the drunk passed out girls hair, she will thank us In the morning
Plus you know he's just 2 semesters and 4 glasses of wine away from "experimenting" with some French major
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
Sitting topless in my room drinking wine from a box... It's good to be back at school
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
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