I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
I have pink band-aids all over my body, WHAT HAPPENED?
Keg backpack and a Bike
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
You pole danced in your parka.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Randomize
