but, i was nude. you really should respect my stupidity and delete them. please.
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
Randomize
