I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
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