I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
Actually we have similar relationship styles aka no relationship... it could work
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
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