your thong is hanging out like whoa
i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
