last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
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