And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
Randomize
