a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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