I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
Bel-fucking-mar, this place has more popped collars than a Hollister catalog
Even the bartender felt bad for me
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
Randomize
