I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
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