another moral hangover. fuck.
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
What happened to fro yo and sex?
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
