i now know from two sources i am better at making out and giving head than she is. and not by a little either.
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
Randomize
