That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
Randomize
