There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
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