you told grandpa to call you daddy
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
Randomize
