we're chasing vodka with high fives
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
So I drew a giant robot attacking a city on the chem test. My TA colored in the fire on the burning building
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
Randomize
