Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
Nothing like studying in the College of Communication to make you realize how smart you are.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
Cute boy and deffffff wearing a HS shirt. I am getting too old to be inaccurate.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
Randomize
