i already hear my dad disowning me
Whatcha textin bout Willis?
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
