I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize
