Well whatever you do have, it sure worked on me.
A Penis?
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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