No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
38 yer olds are good kisserssss
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
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