I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
He got naked after doing the Ice Water Challenge and it was still enormous. So, yeah, I stayed over.
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
Randomize
