and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
"YOU ALWAYS BEEN A HOE YOU ALWAYS GONE BE A HOE. THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT'S GONE BE." overheard at temple
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
