Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
foreskin is a definite game changer
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
Randomize
