True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
I found my bra I wore on Friday night...he fucked the underwire out of it
hahahahaha
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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