I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
I've been thinking about all the girls in my life in terms of applying to college.
Huh?
I guess what im trying to say is that your my safety school.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
I Think it is all interconnected. Emma caused most of the nakedness
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
