Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
