I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
Randomize
