I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
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