I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
Randomize
