Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
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