i just made my gag reflex go away.
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
cassie wtf are you alive??! no one has seen you for like seven hours whereeee did you go
IS IT POSSIBLE FOR A GUY TO NOT HAVE BALLS
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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