all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
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