I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
just wrote a 6 page paper on my blackberry. including 3 sources. college is teaching me good things so far.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
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