Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
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