I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
when does round two start
I don't know, I gave up bartenders for lent
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
Randomize
