Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
And then he peed in my hair
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
