There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
Will exercising make me less horny?
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