It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
got cock blocked by the cops again. two of the cops were the same ones from that t bell incident and they recognized me... they still dont like me
Randomize
