I molested 6 butterflies tonight
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Randomize
