this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
No more Irish car bombs ever.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
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