she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Randomize
