Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
Randomize
