I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
Randomize
