this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
Don't EVER smell your tampon
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
Randomize
