Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Randomize
