Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
Ill do this for you.
You are a team player.
This is me making up for not putting my tongue inside you more.
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
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