Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
I just pynch a tree in the face
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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